Proposed Amendment to the Constitution of the United States

These Colors Don't Smolder!

In light of the recent debate on flag burning, I felt this was a perfect opportunity to address another pressing besmirching of an American symbol that I, frankly, find just as disgusting. I am, of course, talking about bald eagle burning.

How can we, as Americans, look at ourselves in the mirror as long as the sick spectre of dreadlocked, pechuli-stinking hippie communists igniting defensless birds continues to loom over our every moment. The Freeman's Burden, for one, will not tolerate such abuses of our national symbols.

Therefore I am preparing to submit an amendment to the US Constitution to protect our nation's bird from emolation (and possibly alka-seltzer, the lawyers are working on that).

If this amendment succeeds, I am already considering amendments to protect apple pie from being eaten maliciously and to protect the word "freedom" from being used by people who disagree with me. (I'm pretty sure congressional Republicans will line up with me on that last one).